Please be kind and rewind...
Having a difficult mother-in-law is nothing new. My story and experience with a toxic mother- in-law has been happening to many women and men for centuries; one can assume that mother-in-laws have been difficult since “Braveheart” days. So I know that what I am experiencing has been shared by many. I have learned a great deal about what a lot of women, it seems mostly, have gone through with an overbearing and controlling mother-in-law on Reddit. I found these Reddit forums trying to seek comfort, knowledge and in search of a “How to Guide” to try to find a way to handle and cope with what I was going through. The takeaway from that research was that there are a lot of toxic mother-in-laws out there and the best thing to do is to not see them or talk to them. I can understand the approach of not seeing them or talking to them, out of sight, out of mind, I get it. I can see how that can work, but is it the right way, the right approach?
I feel like by not seeing them or talking to them, no one comes out a winner there. It just lets the toxicity sit in limbo. I feel like it also lets the mother-in-law get away with her behavior, because women like them, they take pride in the fact that they have “conquered” or hurt you. But I can understand it as a means to protect yourself from her wrath, because that is the boat I am in. I did not ask to get in this boat, as a matter of fact, this boat sucks. Captain of this ship, I am tired of the sea sickness and ready to get off. I have spent wasted hours trying to figure out how it all got here, why my mother-in-law is being so nasty. Besides wasting beautiful time pondering this pointless topic and experience, I believe I have discovered some of the origin.
Shall we start at the beginning…When my husband and I first started dating, it was made very clear to me how important his mother was to him. His mother has suffered from a sickness for most of his life, so not knowing how much time she has left everyday weighs heavy and every moment counts for him. I totally accepted that and honored that, I thought it was a beautiful thing. So I would drive an hour and a half one way to visit her, sometimes in the hospital and sometimes at her home. I went out of my way to spend time with her, and give her the love and compassion that she deserved and because I loved her son very much, I did that for him too. As time progressed, I began to notice that she had quite a few controlling and manipulation tactics she would use on my husband. I saw that my husband would drop everything in his life to go be with her or take care of her; guilt trips would follow if for some reason he could not be there. I feel like I became an observer in a weird psychological video game. Some of the stuff I witnessed, I could not believe this was real life.
I am a very observant person and have pretty fast insight into what I am witnessing, she was in complete control of my husband and had been for his entire life. Then I entered the picture: for a mother of this caliber, I became a threat to this lioness' den, I am a danger to her, I hold the keys to destroy her whole master plan of control. So, in the midst of a mother who has always controlled and manipulated her son, what do you think will naturally happen with a mother like that, when another woman comes into the picture, and takes her son's attention away? I can tell you, because I have lived it.
Unbeknownst to me, I became a threat to my mother-in-law, and I would become her main target. I had to start distancing myself from her, very slowly, because I saw her toxic and narcissistic traits. What happened is she began to tell her son I was a cold and unloving human being. Because I was not reaching out to her, everyday, or every other day, shit who knows what that woman expected; but because I was not reaching out, I became a heartless human. Mind you, I have always shown her nothing but kindness, I too was at her beck and call when she needed it. The problem was, I began to see the unhealthy behavior and wanted no part in it anymore. So I decided that it was best for me to step back. The lies and slander just got worse from there when my husband began to stick up for me against her attacks. She even went as far as to tell my husband that he was choosing me over her. That comment alone was the nail on the coffin that showed me I was on the right track for knowing what she was doing. Her manipulation towards my husband got worse with extreme attempts to turn him against me.
Here is where I began to research how to handle this, how to cope with what I was experiencing. I can not remember what google search I typed in to get a website that identified the 12 traits of a toxic mother-in-law. And all be damned, she was at least 10 out of 12. That same website led me to the 8 traits of a narcissistic mother-in-law, and crap, she was all 8. I did share those insights with my husband, I think he was in shock, because he could understand it. It was making sense, making sense of an unhealthy situation.
So here I am with these helpful sites that identify that type of human I am dealing with, now how to actually try and remedy the situation? There is nothing I dislike more than to let shit fester, and to let a bully get away with their projected insecurities. I began to write to my mother-in-law, I started by sticking up for myself against her baseless attacks, I was literally defending my character. Writing to her felt good, I was journaling my way through my emotions and how this was affecting me, and I would send her that journal writing. That alone was therapy at its finest.
My letter was in the most polite and respectful format of what she was doing to me, it was also taking some of her assumptions, and stating to her how she was completely wrong. I would go on to suggest that we need to find a resolution and I even went as far as to apologize to her for anything that I may have done to her, for her to not like me. Two days later I got this nauseating response back with her saying she is so sorry I am going through negative emotions, and then did the textbook narcissist trait of writing all about herself, her struggles, and what an amazing and uplifting woman she is. She did suggest we meet in person to discuss what was happening, I agreed. I agreed to meet her all the way up until two days before our meeting, when she began to write absolutely horrible things about me to my husband. So how does this work, with people like this? How can people act sympathetic and oh lets meet and work this out, but let me just talk shit about you before we meet. Oh yeah, those are what is defined as two-faced women.
I wish I had an ending to this story. In all of my graceful efforts to try to find peace with this woman, it has not yielded any gold. I am a big believer in killing with kindness and not meeting people on their lower level, so I have maintained myself through all of this with a mindset of let’s find peace and work this out. But it is hard to snap some people out of it when they thrive on drama, because if there was peace, what in the world could they possibly do with their time? So here we are, no closer to achieving a goal, because she continues her battle of one, a battle with herself. In the end, can we just all please be kind and remember to rewind in those moments where we want to lose ourselves to the drama others create.